Nostalgia

When I was 6 my parents bought our first car, a Mazda. They consulted me to choose a color for the car. I was a girly girl and chose red (only girly color) and a hello kitty themed seat wrapper. 13 years later when I was 19 -- no longer a girly girl and preferred muted earth tones over red -- the car exceeded its life expectancy and was mandated by the government to get recycled at a scrap metal recycling facility.

The sadness is hitting me now, a year after the red Mazda was presumably crushed and molten into a new presence. It is too symbolic of a farewell to the past through the violent act of disfigurement.

There are a couple of reasons this car meant a lot to me. First, I went to most other places in this car, so it is the second closest thing to my home following my physical apartment. The majority of its short lifespan was during my childhood, making it a symbol of those good times before I had any worries or responsibilities, before my grandma passed away, and before health problems bothered my young parents. Second, it is before my artistic taste refined or matured. The simple yearning for such a vibrant, corny pure color that is red is just very beautiful.

My memories are interwoven with this car. Most days in Shanghai are sunny and hazy, illuminated dust flies in the air as I lay down lazily in the back of the car, watching the buildings, bridges, and streetlights recede as the car speeds through. Everything is a bright, dusty, grayish blue. I knew nothing then -- not that I know much more now -- but I am more aware of the world and feel more jaded about the present.

As I am almost finishing college, I begin to sense the cycle of life approaching me -- starting a family, raising children, and grow old... Perhaps I am too idealistic, but the idea that we only have 1 life to live feels exceedingly poignant, and I want it to be the best life I can ever live. I want to live without any traditional expectations and make decisions for myself. And I am so happy and proud of myself for deciding that, because growing up, I have always been pushed by the invisible hand of a traditional pathway to success.

I am not being unique and avoiding what is most popular (high-earning business or engineering jobs); I genuinely have 0 interest in those, and I feel rewarded more for creativity than analyses. So there is no reason to pursue something that most people do. I find enjoyment in creating happiness, awe, or entertainment for others, and I want to map my career goal to achieving that.

As I am writing this blog post, I saw this "create with AI" button that is very ironic.

Again the advancement of technology shows that it is to serve maximizing productivity rather than making people happy. AI compresses the enjoyable time of creating something into 5 robotic seconds of ticking a task off your check list. I would never want to work a commercial job ever! Although commercializing my art is probably a good idea to get grub.